CHRONICLES OF FIBROMYALGIA: Let It Roll...

CHRONICLES OF FIBROMYALGIA: Let It Roll...: I am an uptight control freak. As much as I try to relax and let go that's just who I am. I spent years self-medicating it away, hoping ...

What it means to have Fibromyalgia

I know I don't talk much about my secret illness.I really don't say much about it to my own husband. My kids know someday's I can't move very well. They know my hands hurt and sometimes my legs hurt really bad. What they don't know about it is how almost everyday is a struggle for me to even get out of bed. If you had to live with flu symptoms every single day without any relief but you still had to manage all of your personal affairs, work, take care of your family, go to the grocery store,try and stay upbeat and positive, and you know resting is not an option, then you would know what everyday feels like for me. Fibromyalgia comes about when your body has gone through a stressful situation. Doctors are not sure what happens internally but speculate that your body stays at that "fight or flight" for so long that all of your feel good signals and your adrenals just stop working. Those little fellas working within your brain that help block the pain signals in the nerves go on a eternal happy hour. They are still at a bar somewhere in my body drinking and having fun while my nerve endings are freaking out. Lovely. I'm pretty sure I have had Fibromyalgia for many years but not knowing what was causing my all over body aches and pains. I'm pretty sure I was thinking " Ah shit, it is true about turning 45 and everything starts going downhill". I am completely embarrassed about having fibromyalgia. So much so that I haven't told one friend of mine. They have no clue how much I struggle to get to work. I would never tell my principal how walking class to class is like running a marathon to my body and that my knees are threatening a walk out if I don't sit down. My muscles in my hands and arms start to spasm almost like I have lifted so many weights. I think I must look like I have Parkinson's when I try and help someone cause my hands are shaking. I am mortified! Now I am officially one of those shaky old ladies!
My doctor is doing the best he can to understand what is going on with my body. He is also a Micro Biologist. Whatever. I don't care if he were a pantyhose tester on the side, as long as he helps me. We have been trying different medications. Some worked and some made me feel like someone else was living in my body with me and I was watching what this other person was doing but I had no say so in any actions. Make sense? Seen a movie like that? I stopped taking it. I am one of those people that are hyper-sensitive to medications, so I have to be very careful with what I put in my mouth. I can run a marathon on NyQuil. No kidding. Right now I have started taking a drug primarily used for people with seizures. It blocks the pain receptors in the brain by bringing back those little guys from the bar, and putting them in areas of the brain that boost the signals again. What? Yeah, me to. Just work. This is day two of this drug called Lyrica. I was against taking anything again, but my two and half week flair changed my mind for me. I've never been a desperate woman, but I would a done a Parkinson's lap-dance for my doctor just for a medicine to relieve my pain. Sad but true. (Please understand I am in no way making front of people with Parkinson's).
The first day on it was a little fluffy. That's a good word. Bright and fluffy. I was dizzy the first few hours, but managed to clean my house, make lunch, do a load of laundry and pull weeds. Is it working? The big test will be the next day. That's when my body rebels against any exertion from the previous day. Funny my body, I would expect my hands to hurt from pulling weeds, but it will be like my foot or something not even related. I must say I slept really deep and hard. Good sign. I wasn't up tiling my floor at 3 am. Yes, I've done that. I woke up almost refreshed, my body aches from yesterday and my brain is full of cotton. I hate it when I have a fuzzy brain. This is called Fibro fog and I get it frequently. My kids see no difference because I call them different names all the time. I can look at a spoon and I don't know the name. I know your name but I can't call it. I can't remember how to get to a place. It's scary and I don't like it. On my fibro fog days I try to stay away from complicated tasks, and I certainly try not to meet any new people! I take magnesium and flax seed oil for this, and it works as well as it can. So I'll see if this drug will help, and if it does I'll shout at the top of my lungs! Hallelujah! But if it doesn't, then Ill keep exercising, eating right, and taking care of myself. Really?  No, I'll walk when I can, I'll lay off the sugar but can't promise anything, and I'll just say no more often. I'll continue to get me kids mixed up, and I'll listen to my body more telling me I'd better stop or I'll be paying for it tomorrow.
Yeah me.

2011 Year in Review

2011 Year in review.

You that are reading this, obviously made it through another year. Yeah you, yeah me! Here are some of the things I learned from 2011.

It's ok not to do something...say no and not feel like shit for saying no, then saying yes.

My kids can live without me...sadly
I can be ok without my daddy.

My sister always has my back.
I can't live without my family.
My mom still takes care of me and I love that.
I am not skinny and never will be.

I need to fire my hair stylist and stop feeling sorry for her for not having customers.
I want to start a new business and this time really do it.

There are many more I know. Here are my son's goals for this year.

Go to school.

Get the newest PS3 game as soon as it comes out.
Maybe take a bath more often

Simple enough. 

I had this old recipe book from when I was probably 6 or 7. Same age as my sweet Levi.  As I was going through the pages I came across this little note I had scribbled on paper in a bright purple marker. Maybe a new year had just started, but this is what I wrote:

What I like/ love

Love is fun. Love is having a friend. Love is grandmother. Love is your mom. Love is a dad. Love is a sister. Love is a cat or dog. Love is watching TV. Love is jumping on a bed. Love is a flower. Love is a cookie. Love is a party.  Love is people and God. Most of all love is you.

So I get to look at a little sliver of myself and what was going through my head at that age. I was in love with my family and cookies. Some things never change.  Little did I know just how much in love I would stay with them, and how much more love I would have for my boys and husband.  Oh and cookies. And TV.

Now I welcome 2012 with a positive attitude and new hopes and goals. I am going to keep it simple.

Maybe exercise more.

Watch a little less Housewives.

The rest  I'll just have to wing...

Happy New Years everyone!! My goal for this year will be to post pictures of all my past, current, and future projects. I will be better at blogging. I will be better at posting things. I will I will!

Fathers Day and all...

Today is Fathers Day. The boys and I made brunch with fresh eggs, sausage, big fat butter biscuits and big glass of ice tea. Wonderful to serve up a tasty breakfast in bed for the big man. Husband enjoyed it and the kids, jumping on the bed, wanted to know what he wanted to do for his special day. Swim maybe? How about video games? Movie? I think all he really wanted to do was eat in peace, watch golf, and sip his cold ice tea. Being the fantastic dad he is, of course he managed to get around and go outside with is sons and play a bit. A few hours later he's back inside watching his golf. Kids were happy, I'm busy, and Father's day has begun. I miss my own Dad today, even though he's alive and well, I still want to hug him and kiss him and tell him what a pretty great Dad he is. Now when I get to see him, I really try and spend good quality time with him. We walk and talk, sometimes about important things, sometimes about the weather. It doesn't matter.

I love holding his hand. It reminds me of being a little girl and looking at his hands then too. They were big and one finger looked nubby on the end. Still does. They still look the same to me. It's the only thing that hasn't changed on him. He always rolls up his sleeves on his shirt, like the picture here. I find myself rolling up my sleeves too when I wear T-shirts. His hair in this picture is longer and less gray. These day's it's growing back because of his chemo he is undergoing. It's sometimes difficult to know that the man you love most of all may not be around forever. I know this to be true because I think about it often.

It's a treat to see the happy faces of his family. His many grandkids love spending time together, and all aunts and uncles, cousins, and those that he says are kin to us, enjoy the fellowship of spending as much time together as we can. We fuss and get loud, argue about politics and religion, and dad is smiling cause he's enjoying every ounce of it. I don't know what it feels like to be a dad. I'm a mom, a daughter, a sister, and I can only put myself in those shoes. I imagine it is kind of the same.

I would like my Dad to live forever, although I know that is just a little girls dream. I'll take what I can get. I made a promise to myself I won't worry too much about the future. Right now is what's important. Living in this moment.

So, today I celebrate my own husband too. He has lost sleep from worry, coached two baseball teams this year, played in a band, taken his family camping and on a trip to Las Vegas. Scooped poop, mowed the yard, taken care of his own elderly parents, sweated, cried, fretted, jumped for joy, relaxed, laughed with friends, and all of this and he still managed to be a terrific dad. Just like I thought I was a lucky little girl, I know my boys may not know it yet, but one day they will know just how lucky they are to have a great Dad.....

TripAdvisor™ TripWow | Create stunning trip slideshows in minutes

Found a great little application to showcase our last Spring Break Camping trip. Check it out!



TripAdvisor™ TripWow Create stunning trip slideshows in minutes: "TripAdvisor™

Anyone got change for a quarter?

Once upon a time their was a little 5 year old boy. Once upon another time their was an innocent enough looking quarter laying around the house bothering no one. One day the little boy found the quarter laying aimlessly and bothering no one, on his parents desk. Soon the two were as one. Literally. My husband couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that Levi swallowed the quarter, but he said he heard a "gulp" sound right around CSI Miami. He asked Levi, " Levi, where is the quarter you had in your hand? I dunno!" he says. Phil and Levi go on a quarter hunt, leaving no pillow unturned. Again,Phil asks, "Levi, where is the quarter you had in your hand?" Finally, Levi confesses that he thinks somehow from some devine intervention it jumped down his throat and into his belly. I am snoozing away, no doubt dreaming of my last name being Onassis. Levi begs his daddy not to tell mommy. He says mommy would be so mad at him. He's even got a bag of tears he's throwing in there for prove of how mean of a mommy I really am. The next day, and right on schedule, Levi is happily doing is business in the bathroom. He asks me if I can come and talk to him about something very important. As I sit down in front of him, he bursts out his unfortunate news of how this evil quarter jumped down his throat and was now sitting aimlessly is his tummy now. And how he begged daddy not to tell me because I would getmad at him and I would surly take him out back and make him live in the doghouse for the winter. All I heard was quarter swallowed. As he continues with this elaborate scenerio of how this all happend. All I heard was quarter swallowed and daddy new I had the quarter. I leaned over and kissed his head and said "Mommy's not mad, just upset, your the one that will have to poop it out my son, but for now, mommy is going to call daddy, mmm k? I leave the room and as I turn back to look at Levi sitting on the potty, he's singing this little song and pushing his tummy, "Come out little quarter, come out and play! Awww it's a shame he won't have a daddy now to come out and play with him. Luck is on Phil's side because he doesn't answer his phone. I text to him, " Your son has pooped, and he said there's a quarter in there somewhere and that you let him have the quarter. The poop will still be in the potty when you get home from work, with a stick next to it for your convience". I spent the next hour searching everything on 5 year olds and swallowed quarters. They all say pretty much the same thing. 4 days, 2 weeks, but if it doesn't come out, then there's trouble. I didn't find any kids that went more than 4 weeks. I feel a little better. A little. Phil has been on poop patrol now for 6 days and still no sign of the quarter. Levi is no worse off and he is still bouncing around the house singing his little made up tune. When Wyatt was in the hospital and his Peditrician visited, we talked about how long it had been since we had seen him. Other than the usual yearly head to toe, no one has been sick. Since that one visit, we have seen him nearly every week for everyone of my boys. Asthma, earaches, and now quarters. Levi will go on Tuesday. Until then," Come out little quarter, come out and play!....

Fall is Here...

I loved summer. But fall is wonderful. I love the smell of outdoor fires, and the coolness of the air. I dislike fall for one reason only. My son's asthma. Once again, my middle son spent 4 days attached to oxygen, and hooked up to IV's. His ox levels were very low, and the doctors seem to think it may have been linked to the H1N1 flu virus. Of course it was.

He was a sick little kid. I spent the night on a hospital couch, holding his hand, and asking a million questions even at 4am. His nurses were great. Even almost 3 weeks later, he is still not 100% well. The good news is that all this took place 3 days before his birthday, and not on his birthday. We got to celebrate his 10 years with his family. Sadly, all the paintball plans were lost in translation. It was not a fun time but we survived.

His little brother was almost sick with fret the entire time his brother was in the hospital, and actually wanted to bring is sleeping bag to sleep right next to his brother. Of course there was no way that could happen. Levi slept with Wyatt's favorite toy, and even packed a toybag just for Wyatt with special surprises. It was a wonderful thing to see. He is in complete love with his older brother. I know when there is yelling and screaming at each other, and tears are streaming down cheeks, that the love is there. Wyatt's older brother was not as fretty, but at school wanted everyone to join him in praying for his brother. Wonderful.

We are a very close family. And I am so proud that my boys know that.

Halloween is another favorite fall event and this year we celebrated big. Levi was a Transformer, and Wyatt was a zombie. Cody didn't trick or treat but enjoyed doing his favorite Elvis impersonation. Mom went with us to trick or treat, and as we walked along and greeted my neighbors we couldn't help but laugh at Wyatt and his zombiness. Even his walk was spooky.

There's only so much candy one kid can get before even they get tired and bored. After two or three streets, we walked slowly back home. The boys dragging thier loot behind them. The best part is dumping the bags on the floor to see what they got. Mom and me got our fair pay with mini candy bars, and some other goodies! Levi made sure his candy did not get mixed with his brothers, three days later, yep, one bag. So now, we look foward to Thanksgiving. This one will be a little more special than any in the past. But that story is for another day.

The end of Summer

The last few months being at home with my three sons have been great. We have been swimming almost everday, We have camped. We have done nothing. This summer is offically over for me tomorrow and I am sad. My five year old starts real school this year. He thinks he's excited, but he's not sure how to react yet. I know how I'm going to react. Levi is such a wonderful little boy. He's ALL boy. He does things without the thought of I may get hurt. He's tough, loud and knows it all. He adores his older brothers, and can rumble with the best of them. I took Levi to the fabric store with me last week. I made sure to buy him something to eat from Sonic, just so he wouldn't have to come in the store with me and he could sit outside on a bench. I could see him clearly. He sat down, bag in hand, feet dangling and was happily eating his lunch. 5 minutes!! That's all I need! I picked out a fabulous piece of fabric with some ribbon and paid the lady. I didn't even stop to chat about world events or the fact this was my first attempt at curtains. My baby was waiting for me. He said he had chatted with no one, just as I instructed. He said he threw his bag away, just as I instructed, and he said he didn't even move from his spot, just as I instructed..except for that time he had to really pee. Of course he points out a huge river of pee coming from the side of the pillar in front of the fabric store.

He told me in a matter of fact manner, that he had to go, and he thought it was a perfect spot. Of course in my mind I'm thinking about the hundreds of women that were coming in and out of this store, and watching my son standing there peeing, and to think he could have been greeting them with a wave and a smile too! The river of pee was already making it's way next door. I explained to Levi that public peeing was frowned upon my old women coming in and out of fabric stores, and although he didn't want to leave his post, it would be ok to come in and pee in private. He said no one really saw him and he'd stop his stream if someone came in or out. Reminder to self, teach incognito. I'm hoping that those women that did get a private showing looked at Levi's blue eyes and was put into a small trance and soon forgot what they saw.

I know his future teachers will certainly love Levi. They will surly grow to enjoy his view of the world as much as I have. If I can keep him from peeing in public places, or saying dammit when he's mad, or even keeping his temper in check, then I think we'll have a pretty good year. This deserves a continual update.

Weekend Fun.

My Dad decided to surprise us by showing up at our house last Tuesday. What a wonderful surprise. We spent most of the week hanging out and just enjoying his company. Dad hasn't been feeling too good for quite sometime, so to see him with good color in his face and lots of energy was such a relief. This time last month he was really having a hard time with his breathing, and still fighting an infection of the lungs. We thought his days of being dependent on oxygen fulltime had finally come. And I know he dreads it. We dread it. Somehow, be it the fact that he refuses to give in to the thought of dragging a bottle of air around with him, or thinking it will really cramp his style, whatever the case, he has overcome his illness and is back to normal. Friday he had planned to go back home, and by Thursday I had decided we would pack up and join him. Our summer vacation is soon to come to and end and with that our freedom to just pack up and go will also come to an end, so why not. Central Texas has been in a severe drought for several months now. The country side has burned up, the animals are starving, and rivers have dried up. West Texas on the other hand has been blessed with cool rains almost daily, low temps, and lush greenery, and we are not used to it. By the time we left early Friday morning, it had rained pretty much all night and it was still a nice overcast of gray clouds. By the time we got over halfway to Austin, this is what we see.

Rain, Rain and more rain. That's Dad behind us.

We leave our city to get away from all the rain and it decideds to follow! Good for you folks in Central Texas! By the time we got to Dad's house, it had rained over 6 inches at his house! Amazing, and yes thank you.
By Saturday it had cleared and so we decided to spend a day at Fort Hood in Killeen. The great thing about the adventure, is that Dad felt good enough to come with us. Wyatt my ten year old, is a future military person. It's a good thing I packed every piece of military garb he owns.

Even his flip flops are camo.

I'm not sure what was going on here, but I see my youngest taking his favorite pose of hands crossed and not budging.

Yes, that's one big copter.

It was a really great day and I think everyone enjoyed it. The next visit will be to the Oatmeal festival for Labor Day weekend. This is truly a family event, and one, Robin, Wilma and all the kids have always enjoyed.

Summer and no training wheels

It's been a great summer so far. The boys have been swimming almost everyday. We've had outdoor fires, eaten tons of honey grahams oozing with chocolate and marshmellows, playing with friends and just having fun. That's what summer is all about. Levi is five, and he is trying so hard to ride his bike without his training wheels. Wyatt was a wiz kid at this. Perfect balance, with the grace of a ballroom dancer. My Levi has no grace. He does not glide. He slides. He does not skip. He bounces. He falls, has bruises, and has no fear. Except of riding a bike without training wheels.

It's a perfect time to try. Lets go Levi. Daddy will help you.

Levi did his best. Maybe next time daddy can let go all the way!

Changing Blog Sights..

I had to finally move my blog to this blog site. My old blog site was very unfriendly and after much frustration I decided to pack it up and move. My old blog sight is here: I thought I would take the time and transfer everything from there to here, but alas it's too time consuming and frankly I just don't want to..But here is the link.

http://mdbrown123.livejournal.com/

So now I start my brand new site with a new blog: I just put down a new floor in my kitchen, and it feels so good for the change. My kitchen has had the same floor for over 16 years. It shows it's age. Kids, cats, husband, all have taken a toll on the old floor. Now, I have a brand new shiny floor and I'm not letting anyone into the kitchen! How long will it last before someone in this family sneaks past me? The direction of my kitchen was a mix up of styles. Some left over from the previous owners which includes the window blinds, and countertops. All of which are about to be changed. I have a style I like. This includes the following:

The style I think I will go for is a French Flavor. It will be fun just to look for different patterns and colors. So, for now I'm off to hunt and research for that perfect look. I'll post pictures showing the progress.

TTFN!!